Drunks And Marriage: The Wurst Edition
by Prustrian Informant
Summary: "WHAT THE HELL WEST! GET MARRIED AND CAN'T REMEMBER IT! THAT'S ONLY FOR ME AND SPECS TO DO! NO STEALING OUR IDEAS!" ...There's a reason alcohol is regulated... Sequel to "Drunks and Marriage"
1. What?

Germany.

I well known nation, commonly synonymous with the idea of excellence, strength, endurance, unparalleled beer, and stamina. He was known for coming in between conflict in the world meetings. He was known for being a fine mechanic. He was known for being good at most everything that people could think up. He had a brilliantly high tolerance for alcohol.

…

"Germany! Germany! Look it! We're almost to Gilbo's and Ms. Austria's house!"

"Italy, Austria is a guy. He just dressed up like a woman because he lost a bet." Ludwig turned into the driveway and put his beloved Mercedes into park as Italy bounced in his seat.

"Oh… I can't wait to show Mr. Austria and Gilbo the ring you got me! Ve~"

Germany was excellent at many things and had a brilliant memory. His photographic memory made his work and his focus utterly magnificent.

…But how the hell did he get so drunk that he married Italy?

"VE~!" Italy leaped from his car door and took off for the front door.

"SLOW DOWN ITALY!" Germany felt his fists clench and his head throb at the thought of how careless the Italian was.

"PRUSSIA! PRUSSIA! AUSTRIA! LOOK WHAT I GOT!" Italy pounded on the door impatiently, paying no mind to the German slowing and tactically up the front steps.

"Italia," Austria slowly opened the door a sliver and looked out at the man, his face dark with outrage. "How many times do I have to ask you to not beat my door in when there is a doorbell right on next to you?"

"LOOKIE!" Italy proudly thrust his hand into the Austrian's face and Roderich paused.

"…"

"SPECS~" Gilbert's voice drifted from the house, "stop flirting around at the door and get back in bed! I need something to eat my pancakes off of!"

Roderich tensed, catching a glimpse of Ludwig and yelled back at the Prussian, "GET A PLATE!"

"BUT SPECS~" Gilbert whined, "PLATES ARE UNAWESOME!"

Roderich glared behind him and looked out the small space again. "Hold on a minute. I need to do something."

"Okay! You can go get some pants on!" Italy smiled as Roderich's eyes bugged out and the door swiftly shut.

"Feliciano, I doubt even my brother could get Roderich to answer the door without pants on." Ludwig frowned as Italy shook his head.

"I could tell. It's a talent."

"…"

"…vee~"

"…"

"…ve~"

A full minute of awkward tension passed for the German as he awaited his brothers to answer the door.

"…"

"…ve~"

"…What could be taking SO LONG!" Germany moved forward to try to open the door when it flew open, hitting the wall.

"KESESESE~!" Smirking broadly and proudly displaying an eight pack, Gilbert stood upon the doorway, "WEST! FELI!"

"GILBO!" Italy jumped into the man's arms. "Guess what?"

"What's up?"

"Germany and I got married!"

Gilbert stared at Italy in absolute joy, "Nein!"

"SI!"

"NEIN WAY!"

"SI! SI!" Feliciano held up his hand again, "SEE?"

"SI! WELCOME TO THE AWESOME FAMILY!" Prussia wrapped his arms around the Italian and spun him around in circles. "THIS IS AWESOME!"

"I KNOW!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE LITTLE WEST FINALLY GREW BALLS!"

"I KNOW!"

Germany felt his face burning as he coughed, bemused by the comment.

"Gil! Put him down and let them get in the house! You're letting bugs in the house."

"Hey, Specs?"

"Hmm?" Roderich gave him a droll stare.

"Do you know how to dissect insects?"

Roderich grimaced, "Why would I partake in such an action?"

"Because I would like you to open my fly."

Germany face palmed. Roderich groaned, turning on his heels and heading back to the sanity of the house, no doubt to get away from his husband.

Italy nuzzled Gilbert affectionately, "ve~"

"Kesesese~ He already did anyway. Come on you two! I wanna know why the hell I wasn't invited to the ceremony!"

Ludwig caught a glimpse of Prussia's face and blanched.

He was never going to hear the end of this.

~.~

_**A/N: Mhmm…mhmm… Giving some GerIta a shot. I'm so used to PruAus! Anyway, Figured I would drabble a little with this. See what people think. ^-^/ HI GUYS~! **_

_**I have my fingers crossed I see some familiar reviewers. I love those peeps! –hug-**_

_**REVIEW OR NO PASTA!**_

_**Thank you…**_


	2. What do the old drunkenly wedded say?

"Okay." Prussia remained standing next to his 'wife' as the Austrian made some coffee. "Here's the plan, Specs. We'll drug their drinks. When they go unconscious, we'll dump Feli in our bedroom. Then with West, we'll drag him to a dark, rat infested room. We'll grab some chains, whips, and a vibrator and we'll find out why the hell we weren't invited to that damn wedding."

Roderich paused in pulling out the coffee container to look at the Prussian in concern. "Rat infested?"

"Ja." Gilbert smirked. "With a single light hanging overhead and water leaking from the walls. We'll torture him until he spills."

"Gilbert. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding. Germany must have felt that he wouldn't be able to wait to be married and went through with the ordeal as quickly as possible."

"Specs…Stop being rational. It ruins my awesome plans." Gilbird flew into the room and between the duo, earning crumbs from both.

"We'll just be forward about it and have Germany tell us."

"Specs~" Gilbert whined, clinging to the aristocrat's jacket. "Think of the children~!"

"Hmm? What are you talking about? We don't have children!"

"…Oh yeah… THINK OF MY AWESOMENESS BEING TIRED FOR ONCE AT NIGHT!"

Roderich paused again, taking that into consideration. "…Very well, if Germany decides to be less than forth coming about the information, we'll do your plan-"

"JA!"

"BUT! We will attempt rational behavior first!"

Gilbert nodded.

~.~

Germany sat on the veranda with Feliciano in silence. He rubbed his forehead in shame and disappointment. Italy had been his friend for a long time. They had fought wars together, ate pasta together, fought with each other.

It was a platonic friendship!

There was nothing to show any kind of sexual tension. Feliciano was always merely running over to the house, often going… downstairs…to spend…time… with…Prussia…

"It's been a long time since we saw Gil!" Feliciano smiled brightly as he sat nearby.

Germany's sight went red.

"We have coffee!" Prussia threw yet another door open and strut forward. Roderich bemusedly followed, carrying cups for them all.

Ludwig sighed as he watched the duo bicker a bit and settle into place. There was no way in hell he could handle marriage.

"Specs~ make me more food!"

"Useless Prussian."

"I need it~"

"Nein! Eat what is still on your plate."

"It won't be enough!"

"It will if you stop bickering and actually eat."

"Hmpf." Gilbert started eating, "Sho Vesht. Vhys the hellsh vash I not inviteshd to your vedding?"

"Gilbert, I know I don't see the food in your mouth."

"Then chu need new glashes."

"Bruder, eat with your mouth shut."

"Ve~"

"But Vesht! I'm hungray."

"Gilbert Beilschmidt!"

"Ja Shpesh?"

Roderich looked about ready to throw a punch when the silverette swallowed.

"Like I was saying," the Prussian drawled, "I demand to know why my beloved baby brother refused to inform his immediate family of his marriage."

"We did it on a whim!" Italy piped up.

…

A summer breeze passed as both Roderich and Gilbert stared wide eyed at the duo.

"West…?"

"Being impulsive…?"

"…"

Roderich was the first to recover, sipping his tea pompously, "impulsiveness is no doubt a family trait."

"HEY!" Gilbert glared at him, "I NEVER HEAR YOU COMPLAINING! Just moaning underneath me, 'oh Gil~ please take me as hard as you can against object a and if you get me to cum on my beloved piano and clean it up later I'll-"

"GILBERT!" Roderich growled, "if you know what's good for you, you won't finish that comment."

"Sure, prinzessin. Just remember who's flag pole you give admiration to..."

"SHUT UP!" Germany glared at them both, red faced, and shut his eyes. "I had a night of complete oblivion. I can't remember anything. I went to that party in North America and then this morning found myself married to Feliciano."

Roderich nodded, "it's rather unnerving to find yourself in such a state. I still remember being in your position with Gilbert. To think I had married…" Roderich looked at Gilbert and shook his head, "just give it time to adjust. If it becomes impossible, divorce is possible."

"Don't say that, Specs! Feli and West have been the perfect pair for ages!"

"I suppose…"

"Huh? What are you two talking about? We've only been friends for a century, maybe a little longer! It hasn't been ages!"

The two nodded.

"Of course, Ludwig. It's nothing to concern yourself over."

Italy frowned, "you all sound like this is a bad thing?"

"NO WAY!" Gilbert gaped, "we love you guys! This is awesome! Specs is being the downer!"

"Gilbert! Don't make me the bad guy!"

"Stop making Feli sad then." Gilbert walked over and cuddled the Italian. "Poor poor Feli. At least he made a good choice. My bruder needed to be laid. So~ he rock your world last night? Did he get kinky?"

Germany choked on his drink as Feliciano answered, "actually Germany was really shy about everything so I took charge."

"…huh?"

"Bottoming must be a family trait as well…"

"NO WAY! West couldn't have been shy… he's… I mean… WEST! TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE!"

Germany stared at the Italian in shock. "You remember last night?"

"Si! You told me I wasn't allowed to get drunk."

Everyone paused before Roderich shook his head, "this is rather different."

"Whoa…" Gilbert turned serious, "you knew West was drunk and still said yes?"

Feliciano bit his lip a bit, "I didn't think he was that drunk. He drinks a lot normally anyway…"

Germany stood up, his face hidden behind his bangs, hair in disarray from his hands running through them during the conversation. "…I have paperwork to complete. Bruders… if you could watch him…"

The German walked away and drove away from the building before they could do anything about it.

"…West…"

"Rather impulsive," Roderich shook his head at his observation and returned to his morning coffee.

"Do you think I should have told him that I called my fratello and left him a message about the marriage," Feliciano asked anxiously.

The other two exchanged a look before Gilbert burst into laughter. "Oh, shit. He's so gonna hear it from Romano. We need to go watch!"

"Gilbert… nein."

~.~

_**A/N: Hmm... I might be enjoying myself with this. The reviews are awesome. Thanks. Your continued opinions would be much obliged. **_


	3. Fratello

The phone call itself was short. About less than a minute long, but it provided all that Romano Vargas would ever need in his life for wanting to kill a German. He had never trusted them to begin with. They were far too knowledgeable with automobiles, they insisted far too much on training, and they had a nasty habit of drinking barrels upon barrels of lager.

He tried to warn his fratello, but no~ Feliciano had been naïve. Now look where he was.

_"Fratello, fratello! Guess what?" _His brother's excited voice came from the other end of the line, "_Germany and I got married! It's like Ms. Austria and Gil all over again, except Luddy and I are happier! Just think! Now you both can stop fighting!" _

_ "Feli…ciano… bitte… "_

_ "Coming Luddy!" _His brother giggled- GIGGLED- on the other end and continued on to make the most disgusting, horrifying thought that would ever enter Romano Vargas's state of mind. _"I'm just grabbing your crop so I can whip you as I fuck you."_

The line went dead and Romano stared at the tape, the tape holding his brother's ultimate betrayal on it.

_"Delete message?"_

He clicked enter and grabbed his coat, heading out the door to his beloved Lamborghini sitting in wait for him.

He was going to kill that German. He was going to pound that man's head into the ground and make him eat the dirt of his own grave.

Feliciano didn't know what those words meant, which means he learned them from the German.

Feliciano was HIS brother and if anyone was going to marry him, it would be a girl of whom HE knew and approved of.

HIS BROTHER MARRIED GERMANY!

"kill… I'm gonna kill him." Romano started the car up and sped forward, heading out to get that blond monster for going near his brother.

Germany would rue the day he came near Italy.

~.~

"You seem worried, Luddy." Feliciano frowned and felt the man's forehead as Germany remained on his couch, anxiety taking over as he considered the repercussions of his actions.

"Can you just… not touch me…" Gott verdammt, but his ass still hurt from being pounded into by the italian.

Feliciano pulled back and smiled as he heard a car. "That must be my brother! I called him last night about us, he must be here to congratulate us!" Without any worry, Feliciano opened the door and waved, greeting his brother loudly as Germany stared at him in shock and dread.

"WHERE IS THAT POTATO BASTARD!"

"Hello Romano. Germany is on the couch, but he seems a bit sick…"

"HE'LL BE MORE THAN SICK WHEN I'M DONE KILLING HIM!" A mechanical clicking send a bolt of horror through the German as his blood ran cold.


	4. Prepare for death potato b

Ludwig stared at the door in mounting anxiety, knowing what was to come. The Italians were coming, their footsteps coming for him.

"I'm so glad you came, big brother! Now we can get Gil and Roderich to come and we can have a big family get together…Oh! You brought your friends, they look kind of scary~ Why do you all have guns? Are you guys and Luddy going to go hunting? That sounds like fun. I'm so happy you are trying to get along with Luddy finally! Ve~"

"SHUT UP VENECIANO!"

"Okay!" They entered the room and Germany looked over and sighed. If he was going to be tortured, he wouldn't take it like a wuss. He made the mistake, he should suffer for it.

"YOU!" Romano glared at him, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BROTHER!"

Ludwig sighed, "It wasn't like I was completely in my right mind. Do what you must."

Romano grinned, aiming his gun. "With more than enough pleasure."

Feliciano frowned, "brother…brother what are you doing? That will not be very fun if Luddy gets hur-"

"I'm killing this bastard for touching you!"

Feliciano giggled, "but I touched him more… Well, we did a lot of touching… then again sometimes we hug and cuddle a lot, plus he lets me sleep in his bed and he's really-"

"FELI! I don't need to hear about this!" Romano put his finger on the trigger and glared deeper at the German before him. Germany sat calmly before him, waiting for the outcome.

It happened quickly. Feliciano sent the gun flying out of his brother's hands. He threw it aside before grabbing his brother and pushing him towards his gang. The Italian all but sat down upon the German.

"That was mean of you brother. You know Germany and I are married. Why would you threaten to kill him?"

"Feliciano! Move!" Romano grabbed another gun from his companions and aimed again. The North Italian looked at him with what could only be described as an evil look.

"You try to hurt Germany again and I will confess to the Holy Father about you and big brother Spain."

Romano glared harder, "I-I don't know what you are talking about!"

Germany stared at his wife as Feliciano wrapped his arms around him and hugged him close, "go away, Romano~ I want to spend some time with my wife."

"He's too muscular to be a wi-"

"Fratello~ Shoo!"

Romano stared at them, feeling his hate ripping him from his dear brother. He looked at the German in pure outrage. This was all-

"If you would just accept that Germany and I are together from now on, I wouldn't make you leave, but I don't want Germany to get hurt so go away."

"Brother…"

Germany went to speak when Feliciano kissed him. The Italian covered his front and held him close. Romano stared at the German for a moment before turning, "I don't need you to run Italy anyway. I can control the whole nation myself!"

"Then do it. I'll help Germany control Germany."

Romano left the duo and walked out, motioning to his men to follow. "Stupid German taking my brother and leaving me in charge of Italy; I'm going to be stuck in charge forever."

"Shall we invade Germany."

"Shut up, Giovanni. Go play some pokemon or something."

"That joke is getting old."

"Shut up! I need to think." Romano got into his car and glared at the group. "Hurry and get your asses home. I want my government flourishing without fratello. I want him to come running back."

Inside, Germany looked at Feliciano in shock, "umm…Feliciano?"

"Si?"

"…"

"Germany has gotten all shy!" He grinned and hugged Germany tighter. "It's okay, Germany. I'll make sure no one can hurt you. I'll be just like how Gilgil is for Mr. Austria!"

Okay… Ludwig looked down at the serious facial expression on Feliciano's face and wondered yet again…

Who the hell had he married?

~.~

_**A/N: Serious! Feliciano makes me giggle. Reviews, they are love. **_

_**Oh by the way, only I kill people with silverware, but not spoons... Spoons are too many calories. **_

_**Also, Yay! Other reviews are awesome.  
><strong>_


	5. Revenge is AWESOME

Another day, another way to spend the day improving life in his beloved nation…

Germany awakened to lay on his back, basking a moment before the alarm clock was to go off to think about what he was going to do for the day. He would arrange for some changes in his administrations. Oh, and then of course some training was very important. The world may be a more peaceful place, but that in no way meant that things couldn't get worse.

He would of course train then, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.

Yes, and then after that maybe have some lunch. He had promised his brothers a while back that today he would have lunch with them. Roderich would never let him forget it if he abandoned their plans at the tip of a hat. Prussia would probably turn unbearable if he-

_WHACK! _

Germany fell from his bed with a highly unmanly screech as he felt his chest fall under attack. Continuing to roll as he fell, his eyes flew open to see the haunting silver-haired sibling crouched on his bed.

"Wakey wakey, Mrs. Germany." The man cooed, holding the crop at the ready. "It's been far too long and my beloved awesome crop and I have had this revenge all set and ready just for this moment."

"WHAT THE HELL, GILBERT?"

"Oh?" Gilbert pouted, "you don't remember 'whipping me' into the perfect husband? Shame. Maybe more punishment will help."

_WHACK! _

_ WHACK! _

Germany went diving for the whip under his bed to find his hand met with air.

"West, I used to live here." Gilbert murmured arrogantly, "I think I remember where you keep all your things that Feli isn't supposed to see."

_WHACK! _

Time called for more drastic behavior. Ludwig rolled onto his now sore back and grabbed the crop as it went to fall.

Gilbert laughed, "oh West, you think that'll work?"

_CRACK! _

The sound of a whip went through the air before Ludwig felt his stomach throb. He turned his gaze to find Roderich sitting in a nearby chair, the crop he'd been looking for in the man's hand as he sipped at what was no doubt his tea from his kitchen.

"You're tea needs work."

Yep.

"Why are you helping him?" Ludwig glared over at the Austrian and Roderich adjusted his glasses and set the teacup on the dresser.

"I never said I was helping him, but I won't allow him to be harmed. I have somewhat of an investment in him."

Gilbert mock coughed, "he wants sex."

"Precisely."

Ludwig looked between the two men and felt his careful plans for the day being destroyed.

"Now then," Gilbert grinned, yanking his crop free from the German's hold. "Time for you to learn what it means to be married. I was thinking of starting with hygiene…"

~.~

_**A/N: Oh Prustrian Informant! Where hast thou been! **_

_** Right here, readers! Right here! I've just been writing so much other stuff and working very hard. I will update more often. You just gotta poke at me now and then and be like "hey you! Update this or face the wrath of my most awesome crop!". **_

_** Leave a little something something in the wonderful link that says something about reviews… :D**_


	6. Hypocrites

Ludwig looked between the two before he growled at them, "I don't need help learning how to be a responsible adult. I have been able to take care of myself up to this point."

Roderich looked over at Gilbert and smiled a condescending smile, "He thinks he is all grown up."

"Bless," Gilbert replied towards his husband with an insulting smile. "Should we show him how wrong he is?"

"I don't think we'll have any choice in the matter."

"I agree, can we douse him with the fire extinguisher first?"

"Gilbert, I don't care that you saw that in a movie. It was a college film and it wasn't that impressive. We're here to focus on your brother's love life, not find excuses to use items for other uses than their intended one."

"Bitte?"

"Nein."

Ludwig rolled around his brother, making a run for it before he saw a shadow cross his own, a body colliding with his. "NO ESCAPE," Gilbert shouted as he held his brother down. The smile on his features was dark with promise. "Don't worry, mein kleine Bruder. We'll take good care of you."

"Actually, I think I will leave that to you Gilbert." Roderich stood up and brushed his left leg off a bit. "I have some business to attend to for a minute. You may begin civilizing your brother for his marriage so that Feliciano is not calling us at two in the morning again."

"With very much pleasure, Specs."

Ludwig could feel his sanity slipping. "Italy called you?"

"Of course he did. You got into an argument with his brother and then he was upset when his brother continued to text him about marrying a potato brain." Roderich shook his head, "The first thing to a marriage is presenting a united front."

"You and Gilbert don't agree on everything."

Gilbert laughed, "Specs gives in to all of my whims!"

The Austrian dumped his tea on the two of them as he walked out in that moment, leaving the two brothers spluttering on the floor as he pulled a very confused Italian along the hallway. "Not to worry, Feliciano. They are having a brotherly reunion. Now then, where has Ludwig been keeping his piano in this residence? I know he must have one, I just find I have need of it in this precise moment."

"He sold it since we both wanted to make room for a new oven and we moved the table in that room."

Ludwig ducked back into the room as the Austrian spun around and walked with a purpose towards the bedroom. "Gilbert," the man said with forced calm. "Begin your lessons with the importance of having musical instruments within your home… Be forceful."

The Prussian stood up, brushing his tea soaked hair back and wrapping an arm around the furious man. "Relax, Roddy. I'll make sure he understands that and a whole lot more. I will be sure to be very forceful." He earned a tight hug, the Austrian glaring daggers at him before returning to Feliciano.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I… I believe I may just be hungry."

"Would you like some pasta?"

Gilbert turned his attention back to his brother and tightened his grip on one of the two whips in the room, the other in Ludwig's hands. "If it's a war you want, it's a war you'll get, Luddy. Just know, I've fought many times against Specs in this field and he's never once beat me."

"Gilbert, leave me be."

"I'm sorry, but I have a furious lover on my hands. My hands are tied. That will be our first lesson. If their upset, you do whatever you have to in order to make them happy again."

The duo began to swat at one another. Gilbert shouting orders at the German as Ludwig growled and barked orders back at the Prussian. Gilbert would swat him across the chest, telling him not to snore at night and Ludwig would swat the other upside the head, telling him not to not leave his underwear at the house when he snuck over to get drunk in the basement.

Gilbert would swat him upside the head and demand that Ludwig make sure that Feliciano was at least somewhat happy, then Ludwig would smack him right on back and reply that Gilbert should get around to telling Roderich about all the times he snuck into Germany while Roderich was at a conference and went headbanging at concerts.

It was back and forth, the Prussian furiously whipping the other in manners that were impossible to retaliate to. Ludwig found himself fleeing for cover as the other continued his assault.

"What did I tell you, what did I tell you, West? I have had so much practice with this I should be awarded an Olympic gold medal for being the best and most awesome person with a crop!"

"Stop East! Stop!"

"Tell me what my rules were! Repeat them back to me!"

Roderich returned after bidding the Italian downstairs good afternoon, setting a chair from the next room over in the doorway. He watched the fight and shook his head, cup of coffee in hand.

"Gil, I'm not going to abuse Feliciano! He will be treated as nicely as he was before."

_Smack!_

"Don't say as well, as well means he isn't special and you married him so now he is." The Prussian continued to whip him and Roderich smiled a bit from behind his mug.

Damn right Gilbert, Roderich thought to himself. The person you marry is very unique and should be treated as such.

"RODERICH! STOP HIM!" Ludwig looked over at him, Roderich setting his cup down on the chair before clapping his hands together twice.

"Enough Gilbert. You are being too forceful. We can talk this out like rational people. There's no need for violence."

Ludwig felt his eye twitch, "that's not what you said a few minutes ago."

Austria shrugged, "That was when I found out you sold a valuable piece of history and majesty like it was common junk. Now then, shall we discuss this like civilized people before going to retrieve Feliciano from his brother who will no doubt try to keep him in Italy?"

Gilbert shrugged, tossing the crop aside, "I'm going to listen to some of West's cds while you do that, check my blog maybe. I don't feel like talking about this girly shit."

Ludwig felt his head pound. These two were entirely hypocritical.


End file.
